Reality

(was supposed to post this yesterday...)
*Fair warning: A rant from an emotionally unstable teenager.*

"Just because you're used to something, 

doesn't mean you like it."

Reality.

What exactly is reality? The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

Now for all of you out there who don't know me, I am more of a dreamer. I tend to drown in my own thoughts and into my own little world where everything goes right. I am the sort of person where I open up myself to only a handful of people whom I trust and wear an unemotional mask when around strangers. 

I prefer to avoid and completely block out reality. I don't have a reason to why because its hard to explain in words. In short, I avoid many things, people, decisions, and feelings simply because I cannot deal with it. I fear regretting the decisions I make and having to live with it for life. I get frustrated whenever I have decisions to make. 

I want to apologise because I sometimes think that my friends will get annoyed and leave me because I am always a grumpy old granny. I also want to thank you because you guys have tolerated me and my grumpiness and my tantrums...

I love it when I get sucked into movies I watch. Specially those romantic comedies(yes I like romantic comedies because they always have a happy ending). Those are the times where reality fades and my concentration is put fully on the movie where a girl and boy meets and instantly falls in love with each other, they date, they kiss, they live happily ever after. Or sometimes best friends who fall in love. Yes, those movies are the ones to blame for my high expectations in guys and relationships. Reality just isn't the same... it makes life 10 times worse than how we would picture it. In movies it's all rainbows and unicorns but not in reality. Sometimes I wish I lived a life of those movie storylines(but then it would only last for two hours and I would never be able to go pee). 

Unfortunately reality is what we all live in. Its inescapable and real. Reality is where all problems exist. Something that we all cannot hide from and must eventually face. 

Boys, Friends, Expectations.

Boys-If only I had the ability to channel out all feelings and attraction towards the opposite gender, I would because this is one of the most complicated and hardest problems to deal with in the life of a teenaged girl. They make things so complicated. Right as of now, I don't have feelings for anyone I think? I did before but not anymore because I'm not sure of how I exactly feel. It would be cruel to say that you like a person when in truth, you're not the slightest bit sure of your feelings. I've made up my mind to put aside all feelings and move on to do better things in life because boys aren't what keeps the world spinning. Being in a relationship means that you're ready to commit to your partner. I fear commitment. Yes, there, I said it. I'm afraid of commitment in relationships. It maybe be because I'm not ready yet or maybe for some other reasons. I have been hurt countless times in my relationships and a girl can only take so much heart break. For now, I have decided to live life until that special guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet(I am actually a hopeless romantic).

Friends- Everyone has friends. Some make friends for good reasons, some for bad. Some people want to be your friend mainly because they want things from you. I don't understand how people could pretend to be your friend just because they want something from you. Its cruel. Its just plain cruel. Only a handful of people genuinely want your friendship. Sometimes it's hard when someone you know and love back stabs you. Or betrays you... (not talking about anyone in particular)(its just a main thing) but once you get over it, everything will return to normal. Losing a friend is hard at first because you may or may not know what you did wrong for them to leave you. In the end, you accept it and just move on because there will be far more better people out there. Of course you have to be nice as well...not just a one way thing you know. So like currently, personally I'm not going through any rough friendships because all my friends are awesome and stuff and I just really hope it stays this way... 


Expectations- THIS IS THE SHIT MAN. I hate that people have high expectations from me like I'm some robot who does everything right. I'm not. I'm human, someone who makes mistakes and hopefully, learns from them. Stop comparing me with other people because no one is alike ok. I'm sorry I can't be like her who has a nice body, who has pretty and long hair, who talks softly like some fake barbie, who catwalks everywhere, who fits into any kind of clothing and look good, who has candid shots but still look like some super model, etc. I'm just sorry ok. I actually want to be like that but no I can't because in this world there are only a handful of those people. Those popular, special people who everyone likes. I'm just not one of them. There are so many expectations it's literally driving me to the brink of having a mental breakdown sometimes. Not only are there high expectations from parents and teachers for school but also from friends and boys. Don't tell me that you've never felt like shit because your friends compared you to some girl who has makeup on or dresses a tad bit more decent than you. Or boys who go like, "why don't you dress more like her?" "why don't you put your hair that way?" Why don't you this why don't you that. I'm just really sick of all that. The pressure society puts on us to be what they want us to be. It's just silly!(I know I'm ranting about this when I myself am really super self conscious.)(but hey you can't blame me because its the people who said that I wasn't good enough or thin enough or pretty enough that made me this way so blame them)(though it has made me into a healthier person so...thank you bitchezzzz) I hate the feeling you get when you disappoint someone because you didn't do well enough or you didn't meet their expectations of you even when you tried your best. That sucks big time.

"I don't think you get it. I am not "beautiful". You don't see what I do when I look in the mirror. You don't hear the voices in my head telling me that I'm fat."

This quote means so much you guys don't even know. It's really hard to explain... I know for a fact that most girls feel this way.


Gonna end this emo post here I guess. Shall update in a few about my day today yay.

, xxx