Anyway hey guys. It's been long eh? I actually have tons to say but I have no idea how to put them in words... here goes nothing.
Honestly I've been feeling so down these few weeks. I can't say why because I don't know why. I'm usually a texter but I just couldn't be bothered replying anyone or tweeting that much even and fyi I usually tweet alot. I need someone to tell me what's up or that's its okay to not be okay but everyone just keeps saying "you've been thinking too much". I hate that sentence. I mean, umm hello? I have a brain of course I use it to think. That's what its for. And I really rather much plan ahead so therefore I think and brace myself for whatever that comes. Although some events are just really unforeseen.
Everything isn't going right. And I know, I know, I should be grateful that I have an already good life. But sometimes you can't genuinely be happy. I can't explain it really but its like, even when you already have most things in life, you just still aren't happy. Like even if its already good but you feel that its not good enough. I think that's how to explain it? I mean I do try to be happy. Exercise makes me happy but then friends and family keep telling me I have an obsession towards it. Let me clear things up. I do not have an obsession with exercise, I merely just love it because it makes me happy and healthy and it helps me clear my mind. Whenever I exercise, I tend to just forget every single thing that bugs me. I hate it when I don't get to go run or jog a few rounds and sweat my ass off. It annoys me and puts me into a really bad mood because I don't want to be fat ever again. I worked my ass off losing those kgs and I do not want to go back. That is mainly why I get so frustrated and annoyed when I don't exercise because then you feel yourself rotting from the inside and you can feel the fat start building. I absolutely hate it when friends say I'm too self concious. I mean what is wrong with me trying to lose weight and get into shape? At least I'm actually trying to make myself happy. And at least I don't starve myself or anything.
Secondly, I think its my messed up feelings. I don't like like anyone right now(yes I'm serious). I just cannot be bothered to go through another relationship because those things suck. I guess it just isn't my time to be in one yet. I want a relationship where from best friends blossom into something more. I don't want hookups or any shit like that because it is just plain BS. Yes I watch a lot of romantic comedies where the girl or guy usually ends up with the guy or girl helping them or who is their best friend but didn't realise they love them since the start. I'll just let time do its thing now. But sometimes I do feel lonely whenever seeing couples go all lovey dovey around me. I miss that but I just..I'm sick of it sometimes too. Yes I am very complicated. I also found out a few things about past relationships but its too late now so whatever then.
School. Ahhhh that word just might drive me insane. Don't get me wrong now. I'm okay with school and going to school but the pressure in homework and exams and expectations and everything is just driving me insane. I really need help in some subjects(especially add math) but I just don't know how to get it. I need to improve. I have to improve on everything if I want to get a scholarship and hopefully go overseas(preferably AUS or UK or NZ) to further study. I myself have high expectations for myself. I need to start actually getting to work on it rather than just rant about it like now /slapsself/ I don't want to burden my parents in the money area...Even if they really wanted to pay for me to go I would just feel real guilty...
I don't know how to put the rest into words right now so I might just stop here. In short I would just really rather be alone and spend time alone these few recent weeks. No one to judge me, no one to tell me I'm "thinking too much", no one to disturb me. Just peace and quiet with my own thoughts. Though sometimes even my own thoughts drive me mental...
Parent Teacher meet tomorrow! Not looking forward to wake to up 6am but I guess I have no choice because mom and dad are working tomorrow. Have to go early to get report cards then head back home maybe to sleep or to go run since I'll be busy tomorrow night attending xinjie's performance.
That's it for this one. Till whenever! Shall watch some Legend Of Korra episodes to get things off my mind!
, xx
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